I have been largely quiet since about the end of March. Not only did the whole world grind to a halt, but my personal world did as well.
2020 was so interesting. I started the year thinking and feeling that it was going to be a great year. I had so many plans for my business. My classes and community were growing. I found a new work space that was beautiful and affordable. I had the sense of 2020 being the year that changed everything for me.
Well, it did, but not in the way I expected, just like almost everyone I have spent my time with.
I was given the opportunity to put every single teaching I teach into practice. I was shown even more how our life experiences continue to help us grow and evolve. I am so grateful!
Two weeks into quarantine I found out my husband was dating other women. To be fair, we knew we wouldn’t spend the rest of our lives together. He just wasn’t interested in using words like happiness or sadness any more, much less meditation or depth, joy and sorrow. We had spoken openly about the fact that he had no space for me in his life other than coming home on the weekend and being on his phone the entire time and eating. There was lots of cooking, going out to restaurants and eating delicious food. That just wasn’t a full relationship for me, even when you put all the travel into the mix. I didn’t want just a provider and dinner companion. I wanted a husband or I wanted to be alone. He knew he had 5 years until our son graduated and I was giving him that length of time to decide what he wanted out of life.
However, when quarantine hit, I thought that was the universe giving my husband the opportunity to be here in this house with us. Fully present without the distraction of work and that he might truly see us, his family who loved him. I thought he might finally choose us. However, he went deeper into distraction with online dating sites and found a woman that he preferred in April. He left us in May and never came back. He pretended I don’t exist outside of the fact I am the mother of his child.
This gave me the opportunity to reach back even more to reconcile the more subtle distortions of my childhood. My brother spent my first several months or years pretending I didn’t exist. My father’s only obligation to his family was to provide. My mother thought that was biblical. Oh, how misconstrued the bible was in our home growing up. Yikes!
Disclaimer, I love my whole family and hold no judgement to anyone I just mentioned. Everyone in the world operates on the programming they were born into or that they choose for safety sake. When I look at the families my parents came from, I am so grateful and I know they did remarkably better then their parents. My mother also asked all the questions that made it easier for me to untangle all this for myself. I am also so grateful to be able to see now with more clear eyes their pain, but also feel my feelings around it and see how it impacted me, my decisions and why I chose what I did and be able to make different choices now from a more clear space. This is growth and this is what breaks the cycles and allows my son to experience a different reality.
I was also molested as a very young child, which I didn’t remember until I was about 40 years old. I had spent some time healing that part of myself over the years, but apparently there still was darkness around that experience that I needed to integrate. So, the universe presented me with a stalker, aggressor type person in the summer who, when he didn’t get my attention the way he wanted, threatened to rape me. He continued to verbally and energetically assault me for several months even though he was blocked on my phone and computer. This was able to help me reconcile that abuse and darkness that still resided in my physicality. It also eventually helped me see the destruction and division that caused the riots in the summer and what happened this week at the capitol with different, bigger wider, more open eyes… More on creating stability in collective chaos later.
Now I look back and see the enormity of what I was presented with in 2020. I handled it though. Almost every single moment of every single day I chose to deal with what was in front of me and nothing else. From having my work stopped in it’s tracks to my son’s school, sports and social life deleted and his father, my husband, leaving only weeks into all this. I dealt with this from all the angles personally and as a parent. I got through it with my highest self, with my true friends, and with my garden.
Thank God I rediscovered gardening! I enhanced my relationship with the mushroom kingdom and the medicine they offer, as well as the medicine of the ferns and other herbs that supported my mind, my physical body, and my energy body.
This month I turn 49, and when so many people pity me for being middle aged and single, I do not. I am not in a loveless marriage any more. I am happy and strong. I love myself, my life, my work, my friends and being a mother especially. I am proud that I may have broken this cycle for my son. This week he decided was the right time to start to open up to me about what he has witnessed in my marriage to his father. He has been willing to sit with the pain of his father’s absence (from even when his father was physically present, yet absent, to now when he only sees him 4 days a month). If he chooses to be a father, he will be a better, more present, more loving father than he has had because he is learning to be present in pain and in joy now. 14 is a great time to do that. Imagine if you were given the safety of presence and the allowance of all our emotion at 14!
It was intense to say the least to resolve a 20 year relationship, and the depth of wounds of my childhood all in one year. I realize what a gift it was now though! I will not fall into these unconscious patterns again. Even if 2021 isn’t dramatically different for the collective than 2020, I am secure in my capacity to deal with it, to evolve in spite of it and to move forward into a new age and new life that supports all the parts of me and I am more equipped to help change the world around me. We change the world by healing ourselves.
This is a great place to start the second half of my life from. And every single thing I have been present with, transmuted, dissolved, and/or looked at with love helps me not only live my life from a better place, it helps me help you live your life from a more joyful and loving place.
I have true gratitude for 2020.